mess

So much has happened. I don’t know how much pain I can feel for the sake of others. I am so wiped. The past 3 or 4 days has just been fucking weird. The injustice of it all. Now I sound like some whiney kid who didn’t get their sports car for their birthday. But it’s true. I just don’t
understand how the world works some days. I would explain what is going on, but cannot because of legal purposes. Rest assured it is not me, yet.

Ok done ranting. All this time at home is proving detrimental to my butt. All I do is cook and it wouldn’t be so bad execpt I am an amazing cook if I do say so myself. So I eat it. Never trust a skinny cook. Oh and the last big tree is coming down, the one in the front yard. Its gonna look weird without it. I go back to work on Monday. The forced vac has been kinda nice. in a weird messed up way.

WTF??

Ugh. I went to bed this “morning” at about 2 or 3 and I woke up at 5:30 for NO flippin reason!

I’m on forced vacation for the next 2 days. Because my vacation had been miscalculated and I had thought that I had used it all up . But apparently I still had 3 days left! And this is the last week of the fiscal year so I have to take it or loose it. Not to mention its “merch week” that’s the week that all the heavy lifting for merchandising is done for the month. And you guessed it, I’m in charge. So I had to leave a long list of things for everybody to do for me. And one of the supervisors is out this week due to the aforementioned personal issues. And my direct manager is out also taking her vac and getting some training in. So needless to say were a little shorthanded.

so here I am, awake at a time that no human should be with nothing to do, housework doesn’t count. I think I’ll visit my mom today. Maybe I’ll steal my friends kid and take him up into the mountains for the snow. Go see my nephew. Yea I think that sounds like a good day….

jan 23

why is it that just when you think the world is going the way it should. someone throws in a big stinky handfull of shit in your path? 

people who should be commended on their abilty to raise children  that are bright and aware, shouldn’t be crapped on.  Divorce is and ugly ugly thing.  and children who are hurt and offended because of their parents seperation shouldn’t be allowed to defame the other parents choice of friends. to put their livelyhood at risk.  to make their life a living hell. 

i wish i were in the position to make everything better. to help those who i know would help me if something like this had happened to me.  I am just so confused, as to why more and more people don’t seem to give a flying fuck about the ones closest to them.

i’m at a loss.

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Another strange day. I slept pretty good but I went to another of my dream places. This one was the convent, I use that word loosely, on an island. I don’t go there very often but I needed to visit for some reason.

But I was woken in the middle of the night by a bawling cat. At first I thought it was one of the “kids” bringing a toy into the bedroom. But as I tried to ignore it, the yowling became more incessant. So once I was awake enough to try and determine where the sound was coming from it stopped. So I went upstairs to see if someone was outside and hurt. But the outside cat, Demon, was on the porch just hanging out. So I went back downstairs and looked out the window, nothing. And as I was going back to bed Alex walked in the bedroom and Sasha was already on the bed.
Flippin’ weird! I didn’t hear the noise again though. So odd.

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night 17/morn 18 this time 1st person only: I was visiting a favorite river spot and instead of walking the shallows and marsh areas, as I usually do there, I crossed the river to the “other” side.
We (again I am not sure of who the others are) followed this path it was only able to accommodate one person at a time and as we walked it further it became more worn and well traveled, eventually to the point where we were able to walk 3 abreast. As we were walking we came into groups of others. We were still by the river and noticed 3 bears fishing 2 adults and one youngster. The others we came in contact with were getting worked up and called their friends on their cell phones, like fucking idiots, to tell them of what they had just seen. I was my usual self and was disgusted by this base behavior. I even remembered rolling my eyes and mumbling to my companions about the stupid city folk.
As we kept walking the crowds became bigger and we started to move away from the river. We entered a sort of preserve. Buffalo and bison were free as well as horses. I can recall passing a group of people surrounding a horse that was really tall. As I looked at it I thought that horse is 16 hands high. Then the “instructor” told those gathered around that the horse was, you guessed it, 16 hands high.
As we walked further the crowds started to disperse and eventually we came to two massive trees. Before the trees there was a metal fence and an opening that landed between the trees and the fence. By this point only one person was in front of us and us had dwindled down to 2. the person in front of us was standing in front of a woman in traditional dress. Not buckskin or anything but traditional nonetheless. Her hair was free, dark but with grey throughout. She had exceptionally dark eyes, piercing. And as she spoke to this person they started to cry and they went to the tree on my right and sat down.
When I walked up to her, her back was to me. She turned around(clockwise) and looked me square in the eyes. She wasn’t just looking at me, she was looking into me. Looking for the answer of whatever question was there. Then she raised her right hand to me with her thumb, forefinger and pinky extended and the middle two tucked in, she placed her pinky on my forehead her finger on my chin and her thumb next to my right eye on my cheekbone and whispered to my left cheek/ear “you are not ready to be a crone”. I was startled and tried to pull back but found that I couldn’t. And she kept whispering it and I finally said “yes, your right”. Then I started to weep and crumpled to the ground. She followed me whispering encouraging words to me. Then I started to “back away” as my 3rd person self and watched the rest.
then I awoke

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This is something I’ve been meaning to do for sometime now. Its just that I don’t dream very often so when I do I tend to forget. I usually dream in 1st and 3rd person simultaneously.
night Jan/morn Jan 12 I dreamt that Scott had died. I was living in a mortuary and we ( I don’t remember who else was there with me, I just had a feeling of “US”) embalmed him but I didn’t want to bury him or cremate him so we decided to keep him there. Down in the cellar through the dumbwaiter. But we didn’t have a coffin for him so we put him in a cardboard transport coffin, wrapped in a sheet, but we didn’t have a lid.
So I lowered him down and for some reason his box got caught on some scaffolding or something and he plummeted down landing half in half out of his box. His sheet had also come away from his face. So because I still loved him and was grieving I would look in on him from time to time from the dumbwaiter. And periodically when I checked it would seem as though he moved a little each time. Head to the right, eyes partially open, head back to the left, sheet moved around him and the last time I looked in on him he was watching me almost pleading with me to get him out of there. At this point I awoke, a little freaked out. Thankfully Scott was next to me, sleeping. So I woke him up just to be sure he wasn’t dead, then I was able to sleep again.

William

This is a picture of my nephew, William, when he was 4 ish. He just turned 5 in November. Right next to him is his mom, my sister. She is laughing so hard that she can’t look up. I love this picture and had actually forgotten that I had it until I went searching for more pictures of Spector. It makes me giggle every time I see it. Up to this point we were trying to convince him to put his finger up his nose and he wouldn’t do it. Then he just did. I could barely catch my breath. This boy is the joy of my heart. I thought you might enjoy it.

Spector

Spector 10-16-1996 1-12-2006
Rest in Peace my Beloved.

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Well, do you like my new layout? I’m still not done but it’s getting there. Well besides the obvious changes life has been life.
Well I’m not ready to discuss the big stuff right now, so i’ll post later.

Drama!

Oh I went to my other job today and found out that the manager (we’ll call them pat) who had worked there for over 5 years has been fired! Now keep in mind pat has done a phenomenal job and worked overtime not to mention the loyalty that pat has for the owner(we’ll call them Jaime). But the performance or lack there of was beginning to show. And Jaime even thinks pat might have been stealing. Now I know this doesn’t sound like much but if you only knew both of them it would seem even more incredulous. We’ve done some brainstorming and think that pat and partner might be back into their old habits. meth. And it would be such a waste for this person has really transformed over the past 5 years. Not to mention the children that pat has. Now please keep in mind that this is only supposition, not fact(about the meth part). So much DRAMA! All I can say is wow and I am very happy I don’t have to experience this kind of thing on a daily basis.

on a happier note I am crossing the great cascades (haha) to go and get the yarn for the sweater! And even visit a new shop! WHOOO HOOO!!!! I love going over the mountains and through the woods …..

sleep!
zzzzzzzzzzz